Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
