She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
In America we eat man semen.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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