I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
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Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
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I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable