dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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