careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
