The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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