I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
