We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
