can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
