I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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