i think my tv is drunk
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
