when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
