I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
