Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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