Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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