dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
