dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
