bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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