so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
