I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
