sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
