can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
