i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
