It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
