were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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