If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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