I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
