i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize