remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
