meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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