shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
