Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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