I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
