no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
