This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
