jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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