The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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