her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
