My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to make out with him forever
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
