I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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