I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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