I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
