I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
