I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
smell my finger.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
