i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he was CRYING into my vagina
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
