I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
