I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I need a beard to bite.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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