i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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