I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
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We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
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No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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