Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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