Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
