My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
