Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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