So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't deserve a penis
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
