Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
