I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
